B-SMART: A Tool for Navigating Edgy Spaces

B-SMART

  Navigating edgy spaces can be, well, edgy. Most of us grew learning very little about clear communication. Especially around intimacy. It seems to me often we’re almost secretly trying to approach someone. Because we’re afraid of rejection? Because we have no idea how to ask for what we want? There are many components to why communication around intimacy is not that easy. For people coming to my intimate spaces I’ve created an abbreviation: B-SMART. It covers all the basic information I found out I want to know before moving into any intimate interaction with another person. ⇝ We actually practice these conversations in my play parties, and though people fear their awkwardness, they often turn out to be the most…

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(Video) About Attracting Unavailable Partners

Availability

Attracting unavailable partners… It’s a pattern! I have written about it before: I’m so tired of attracting unavailable people. And also, what is emotional availability anyway? But: if there’s a pattern, there’s something to learn. What’s in this for me?

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(Video) Experiences in Non-Monogamy: Finding myself as a Secure Center

Open relating can be an escape from exploring deeper within (I wrote about it on my blog, just do a search for ‘polyamory’ on my website) – connecting with many can be an escape from facing fears. But connecting with multiple people can also be a deep dive into creating a more secure attachment system. A sharing of my current personal explorations.

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To the Men I Love

Dear Beloved,   Thank you for opening up to me For witnessing me in all that I am For your courage to open your heart and soul for me.   Our love may come in different shapes as friends or lovers – or something in between and it may change every day.   You’re not my partner As I am my own main ally I need to learn to hold myself When I’m celebrating and when I’m afraid.   Yes, I am desiring a King Someone to stand next to me and to sit on the throne that stands next to mine.   I dust it off every now and then, but I don’t rush to fill it as it…

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(Video) The Patterns in Insecure Relating

Patterns in relating

The players may change, but the play stays the same. Have you ever noticed that? Even though you may be working on yourself, some patterns in your relationship game seen to stay. I’m mainly anxiously attached, with a wired-in fear of abandonment. During a week long retreat I was in, I got my patterns played out loud and clear. In my face.

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(Video) The Fine Line Between States

When are we avoiding, and when are we learning to show boundaries? When are we controlling, and where are we being clear with our desires? When are we facing our fears, and when are we pushing ourselves too much? When are we learning, and when are we surviving? It’s such a fine line between both, and frankly: often both options are true (and false) in the same moment. So how do we know where we are?  

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(Video) Do I still believe in Non-Monogamy?

After more than 7 years in all kinds of relationship constellations, devoting big chunks of my time to relationship dynamics, attachment patterns, and coaching numerous people: how do I feel about non-monogamy?

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(Video) Conscious Relationship Design: Being Single

About why it happens to many of us that as soon as we step into a relationship we feel way less autonomous, powerful and amazing as when we’re single. About the use (or not) of labels and the implications for our nervous system.

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Waking Up Next To A Gorgeous Woman

Rex Whistler - A Nude Study of Lady Caroline

This morning I woke up next to a gorgeous woman. Her back was turned to me, and she was naked. As she had pushed the blankets off of herself, I could look at the curves of her hips, as the rays of sun that sneaked in between the dark blue curtains caressed her, lighting up the feather-like tiny hairs on her body. I felt my heart open wide, my belly glow with loving feelings and a desire to touch her. To let my fingers glide along that curve. To kiss her neck. Or to spoon her again as we did last night. I was quite sure she would love all that, as she was slowly waking up to the tunes…

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