When Anxious meets Secure – Attachment Dynamics

We all have attachment patterns. Some of us are securely attached, and have no challenges letting intimacy come close. Others are insecurely attached, and love can be the thing we most crave and fear at the same time. We have our preferred strategies, that are either anxious or avoidant. In my experience (rather than some theories say), these strategies aren’t fixed, but dependent on who we meet, when, where, etc. This is what I, primarily anxiously attached person, encounter when meeting someone who feels secure. P.s. check my previous videos or blog for more about attachment patterns

Continue reading

Do I really want what I think I want?

Lately, I’m enjoying entertaining myself contemplating if I really want what I think I want. I think I know about all the things that I want, and I enjoy time meditating as if what I want is there. You know, the first step in the Law of Attraction, right before taking conscious action towards these dreams. But do I really want what I think I want? Take the example of attracting a romantic partner. Around me, I have quite a bunch of amazing, single, female friends. We all want a similar thing: a conscious man, adventurous, tantricly experienced, amazing lover, hot body, and maybe some nicely placed tattoos and piercings. A man who is beyond the nice guy pitfalls, who…

Continue reading

Nothing Happens in Winter. Or?

Nothing happens in winter

Human processes are like the seasons in a temperate climate. There are the bigger waves, aligned with the seasons where the general tendency in summer is to go on adventures, and in winter many of us like to snuggle under a blanket with a book. Then there are the individual waves of our personal climate, where we have our own patterns and rhythms of waves moving inwards and outwards (though an interesting question may be if humans in different climatological seasons may have different flows). Our disposition on the introvert – extravert scale probably adds in, as well as tons of other factors. But most people recognize the four seasons in their journey of personal growth. Spring, where we sow.…

Continue reading

Intimacy is So Much More than Sex – with Jamie Catto

Me and Jamie Catto talking about what intimacy is, how sex can be more than rubbing things together.  Sex is not just an act. But culture teaches us to approach sex in a ‘yang’ manner: directed actions with a clear goal in mind. But when we learn to listen to our bodies and the bodies we’re playing with, sex becomes a different experience. The best sex doesn’t depend completely on what you’re doing; but on how you’re doing it. Also: Jamie & I talking means loads of hilarity and not taking things too seriously.

Continue reading

The Power of Bondage

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of kink. The play with polarities, leading and surrendering can be an amazing path of personal growth. Ropes are a tool that we can use to emphasize the leading or surrendering pole. Being tied, there’s literally nowhere to go as your ability to move is restricted. Ropes are so much more than ropes: it’s a complete experience.

Continue reading

Sexual Nourishment – with Reid Mihalko

Join Reid Mihalko and me as we talk about s.xual nourishment, where we share some of our personal backgrounds around nourishment, as well as an overview of different ways of finding s.xual nourishment (hint: it’s not just about touching yourself) right at the end. We’re also mentioning our events in December. The first one is Date Your Species – with Reid Mihalko & Wilrieke Sophia.  

Continue reading

“Meditate every Day for Ten Minutes. Unless You have No Time…”

Riding with Benthe

  ‘Meditate ten minutes every day. Unless you’re busy. Then meditate an hour.’ It’s so easy to cut down on self-care, slowing down, you-time. Don’t. You’re the most important resource that you have. And even if you don’t have time: Stop. Take a deep breathe. Look at a tree, a plant in your office, or this photo. Put a hand on your hard. Take another deep breathe. Notice gravity. Feel your hand. Welcome back. Photo was taken last week horseriding in the Dutch jungle. Unfiltered in all possible ways.

Continue reading

(Video) Do I still believe in Non-Monogamy?

After more than 7 years in all kinds of relationship constellations, devoting big chunks of my time to relationship dynamics, attachment patterns, and coaching numerous people: how do I feel about non-monogamy?

Continue reading

Being a Sexual Person #2

Standing in the middle of an over-crowded train on my way home, another workshop facilitated in Amsterdam behind me. The people in the train discuss fried snacks with huge pupils. So much passion about burgers. Some are wearing sunglasses, even though it’s near midnight. A huge dance event in the city is probably the source of this outflux of people. I’m looking at my own reflection in the dark window. For so many years I thought I was weird and ugly. Sometimes I still do. That underlying belief of being weird. Different. Unwanted. The clumsy one who never wears the right clothes. Will it ever leave? I see a beautiful face, a proud woman wearing an amazing coat. Glitter on…

Continue reading

The Deeper We Love, the Deeper Love Will Touch Us

The deeper we love, the deeper love will touch us. It is as incredible as it sounds, though not always easy. As love tears down everything in its way to loving more, all our deepest stories, pain, fear and insecurity is revealed in the wake of unleashing bliss. And not just our own! All that which our ancestors carry, what’s engraved in our collective past and present, It’s all right here, right now. So beware, when you open your heart wider than before, That more love than you can imagine will pour in, And your senses sensitize As there’s no right or wrong, desired or undesired on our inner landscape, just simple aliveness, It all becomes stronger. More. Deeper. Become…

Continue reading