There are many ways to get to know ourselves better. There are ways that are accepted, ways that are less accepted sand ways that are considered controversial. And maybe sex is the most controversial of them all.
The naked truth
How does it work then? Why is sex such a great pathway to personal growth? Isn’t it just a matter of lust or a biological urge for reproduction?
Sure. There are a lot of pheromones, hormones and thousands of years of evolution involved in our reproductive habits. Sex as a tool to keep a species from extinction.
But sex can be a tool for evolution on the base of an individual too. Sex can teach us about our weak spots, our fears, our insecurities, our habits, our shadow sides, our desires, our power, our trust. Personally, I believe sex is the most intense and direct way into myself.
All the insecurities I have about my looks are magnified when someone closely studies every inch of my naked body. All the limiting beliefs I have about feeling unlovable, unworthy or unseen shake on their fundaments when someone penetrates me with their gaze. And that’s fucking scary.
Deep and rough
What I do with my body reflects in my soul. When I stand up tall with my shoulders straight, my gaze firmly ahead, I feel more powerful than when I slump and look down. When I cross my arms and keep my legs pressed against each other, I feel safe. But when I open my arms and my legs, my heart follows too. I allow someone into my body and into my soul. This sounds like a female perspective, but I believe it’s valid for men as well. Sex challenges the walls I have built around my heart to protect myself.
And yes, I might keep the walls up. I might dissociate; be there, but not be present in the sexual encounter. I might not have a good time or even (re-)traumatize myself when I don’t express my boundaries. I might also not have much fun when I don’t express my desires.
Sex invites me to constantly express both my boundaries and desires. I find those two of the most difficult things in life. What if the other person doesn’t accept what I communicate? Would they walk away? Abandon me? Confirm my limiting beliefs about myself?
I’ve learned by now that being passive and silent doesn’t work. And so, after many times of quietly allowing the other person to go his way with me, I know now that it’s my full responsibility to take care of myself. It’s self-love. Deep and rough self-love.
Take me, baby!
Sex is deeply connected to emotions. Ever started crying or laughing after having an amazing orgasm? There might not even be a reason for the emotions stored in your body to find their way out. It’s pure emotional release, and probably you’ll feel lighter and softer afterwards.
Or maybe the sexual encounter reminds you of past experiences that were painful. You can share your memories with your lover, and maybe ask them to gently proceed, giving you time to overwrite these traumatic experiences with new, loving ones, while giving full permission to express any emotion passing through.
Personally, I have a lot of anger stored in my body. Sometimes a gaze or a touch stirs up the fire. I used to push it away, ignore it and smile kindly. Until I met a lover who saw the anger in my eyes, pinned me down to the bed and challenged me to fight him. We fought, I screamed, bit and beat him hard (he was a masochist and loved it). Afterwards I felt so much lighter and part of the anger was gone.
Find anything you would like to work on about yourself, and probably there is a highway to getting there through sex. Whether it’s about self-image, connecting with your power (try d/s!), releasing emotions or working on issues you had with your parents (really).
Just be sure you have consent with your lover about your process. Share what you are working on and are going through. If you suddenly turn into an angry, biting animal without prior warning, this could be quite terrifying for the other person (unless you know that’s what they’re into).