This article is based upon my experiences with men contacting me. It’s absolutely generalized. I challenge you read it and to feel what touches you. Do you recognize my experiences? Do you feel triggered or offended?
See the next paragraphs as my present to you. I tell you what works for me and the wise, strong, gorgeous women I see around me. Let these paragraphs penetrate you. Is this about you?
Keeping violation intact through silence
Too many women are silent when they feel offended by men, as well as I’m sure there are men feeling offended by women or other men and keeping their mouths tightly shut. By being silent we keep the vicious circle of hurtful communication and misunderstanding intact. The only way I see of breaking it, is by brutal honesty.
Men, you have hurt me and many of my sisters by your ways of communicating with us. You have left us feeling violated and used. Even when your intentions might have been great.
Is this the ‘men come from Mars; women come from Venus’-gap between our sexes?
Or is it a mere gap in our knowledge about how women respond and what women feel. What they like and dislike. Let me give you some insight into my world and my experiences.
‘Hi, how are you?’
You see a beautiful woman on Facebook, Tinder or maybe even in real life. And you decide to pop her a message or say something to her. You decide to send her a message. Just a simple ‘Hi’, ‘How are you?’ or a compliment about her appearance.
But she doesn’t respond or walks away. You feel triggered. Why does she act like this?
Because she receives several messages like this a week. Maybe several a day. Your message is one of many and she feels intruded by it. Instead of opening a door towards conversation, you, probably unintentionally, slammed the door tightly shut.
What did you do wrong?
You are disrespectful
Some men don’t stop their conversation when she doesn’t answer. They express their frustration by typing phrases like ‘Are you there?’ and typing a question mark over and over again. To me, this feels like intruding my personal space. It feels disrespectful.
When I have some time and energy, I sometimes explain to a man why his tone feels disrespectful and why I don’t answer him. But if I would do that for each message I get, it would take literally all day. I have three young kids. I have a business to run. I have a blog to fill, a book to write, a house to take care off, just to name a few. Answering messages on Facebook is not what brings me most fulfillment in life. Please respect my choices.
Not opening Facebook would be a solution, but that also prevents me from connecting with people I do want to connect to and announcing new events or articles. Facebook is an important tool for me and I like to keep using it.
You seeing me online does not mean I automatically have time for talking to you. Constantly sending me messages and attracting attention feels like you are a puppy unaware of a human’s personal space. Although some might like the unrequested attention in the beginning, at some point it’s enough. If you cross that border you won’t end up even anywhere near a friend-zone (let alone in a romantic zone), but in the people-to-avoid-zone.
Always be friendly, especially if you don’t know what’s going on. She might be taking care of her sick mom while being a single mother of a baby herself. She might be facing the deadline that will make or break her career. She might just be coming home after a funeral or breakup and looking for some distraction. Always remember: you have no idea what is going on in her world. And until you know, there’s no reason to be impolite when she is not readily available for you.
You are needy
Women want a man that can hold them. Who is present with them from a strong place. We want men who can stand on their own two feet. Not a fairly large child.
We want an independent man who can take care of himself.
There may be some women who feel so insecure about themselves that any kind of attention will lift their spirits. You will end up in a structure where both of you constantly ask for confirmation, approval and attention. If that’s the kind of connection you are looking for, keep shooting until you hit your target. I’m sure you will find one.
But if you want a strong, wise and sexy woman to be at your side or to talk with you: grow up.
Start with taking care of your own needs. If you feel insecure, do something about it. Go to a men’s group, survive in the forest for a week, learn to make fire without a lighter, get advice on the right clothes and get a nice haircut. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re perfectly fine and lovable.
But don’t send us a message, hoping that we will give your lack of self-esteem a boost. Because we feel the needy energy in those messages. We feel you have a void inside you that you try to get filled. Your words are like little energy suckers to us, making us feel contracted and pulling up our defenses.
A man who comes to get something from us doesn’t feel safe, and definitely doesn’t feel attractive.
Contact her from a place of giving her something, not from taking something away from her.
You are shallow
Strong, wise women want deep men. Men who are able to see through our emotions and capable to hold us in the middle of them. Men who aren’t afraid of women shouting out their truth and irrationality, who stand still in the raging storm with thunder and lightning that we can be sometimes.
We want deep men. Men who dare to look beyond the surface. Calling us beautiful is not enough. We want you to look into our eyes and see right into our souls.
A simple ‘hi’ is simply not attractive. If you find a woman special, show her. Tell her what you like about her. Tell her why she is special. Give her a custom made compliment. Ask her something about her life. The general sentences like ‘What did you do this weekend?’ or ‘Are you there?’ don’t inspire us.
Whatever you say or express, make sure you really mean it. Women have a sensor for fakeness. We feel it when you try too hard or compensate for your self-perceived lacks. Nothing is sexier than an independent, strong man. Powerful, not by his job or income, but radiation. Ever wondered why that short, fat man gets all the girls? Now you know.
If you are really inspired to learn as a man, there are amazing resources out there. These are some great resources I’ve been reading and listening to myself and can recommend to you:
David Deida – The Way of the Superior Man
Robert Glover – No More Mr. Nice Guy
Mark Manson – Models
David DeAngelo – Dating and Relationship Advice for Men
I wish you a lot of inspiration and beautiful interactions in your future!