Love is a Weird, Projection-Based Thing

Projections and love

It is often said about falling in love: the butterflies are a hormone induced crazy fling where we project all kinds of things onto another human being. Things that we either recognize in ourselves and desire more of, or things that seem the opposite of things in ourselves we desire to get rid off. And it makes sense. Tonight, we celebrated Sinterklaas, a Dutch national festivity where children get gifts from an imaginary Saint (which is the foundation of the story around Santa Claus). Me, my three daughters and their father. Someone I used to be in a relationship with for nine years. Once, we thought the other person was the most amazing person in the world. Finally someone who…

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Body Hair and Curves: What a Real Woman Looks Like

Body hair

There are so many social conditioning around sexuality, our bodies, our looks, how we present ourselves both to others as well as to ourselves. While shedding layers of all this, it’s so interesting how we can re-discover ourselves every day again. Take the body hair thing. When you think about it: how weird is it that hair on a man’s body is often considered sexy (look at the whole beard hype happening at the moment), while the hair on a woman’s body is often considered groce. I mean, WTF? And then the whole body size thing. Women should have flat bellies and perky boobies and all that. Because that’s what a woman is supposed to look like. Well, I don’t…

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(Video) Intimacy is More Than Sex – Interview with Robert Kandell

Robert Kandell

Intimacy is more than Sex with Wilrieke Sophia. We discuss how we often focus on the physical aspect of intimacy and don’t give the same credence to the other aspects. ——— In celebration of his upcoming book, Author Rob Kandell is having 15-minute FB LIVEs to have REAL, AUTHENTIC, unHIDDEN conversations with incredible people. Topics relationship, communication, intimacy, sexuality, body image and more. Please follow and like us:

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Being a Sexual Person #2

Standing in the middle of an over-crowded train on my way home, another workshop facilitated in Amsterdam behind me. The people in the train discuss fried snacks with huge pupils. So much passion about burgers. Some are wearing sunglasses, even though it’s near midnight. A huge dance event in the city is probably the source of this outflux of people. I’m looking at my own reflection in the dark window. For so many years I thought I was weird and ugly. Sometimes I still do. That underlying belief of being weird. Different. Unwanted. The clumsy one who never wears the right clothes. Will it ever leave? I see a beautiful face, a proud woman wearing an amazing coat. Glitter on…

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When a Saboteur Enters our Relationships

I let him go. I had never been loved this much by anyone in my life, and yet I let him go. I had no choice. My nervous system was having a way harder time than I desired, and the longer we were together, the less relaxed I felt about our relationship. Was it me? Was this then the final conclusion I’m not suited for non-monogamy or any way of relating for that matter? Was I an overly dramatic woman unable to deal with anxiety issues? Was it him? Was he lacking in stepping up? Did he need to grow balls and become a real man, able to love a wild woman? It’s Always Two Playing that Game When it…

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(Video) I don’t always like my open relationship. And why am I more afraid than my partner?

Open relationships

David and I have an open relationship. For us, that means we are choosing to be primary partners, like in any ‘normal’ relationship. Besides that, we give each other full freedom to openly explore intimacy with others. I’m one of those persons who doesn’t find this just easy. Sometimes I don’t like being in an open relationship at all, but admitting that to myself feels difficult. And how can it feel that I feel like having different boundaries about a certain thing at the same time? How to deal with the insecurity? And why do some people find open relating more difficult than others (and why is it often so that one partner feels more challenged than the other)? These are…

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Bridging the Gap between Masculine and Feminine in Relationships

Bridging the Gap between Masculine and Feminine in Relationships

In Tantra, we often speak about the different poles called feminine and masculine. The feminine desires to be loved, to be held by a strong masculine. The feminine loves to be opened, ravished into bliss and wanted. The feminine also loves to feel safe. To feel filled, as there is always a certain emptiness inside that creates a desire to be filled up that can overtake anything else. The masculine desires freedom. To not be trapped, but to journey towards the horizon, guided by a sense of purpose in life. There’s a goal, a direction and not even love can or should take the masculine away from this. Everyone and anything that takes away the sense of freedom for the…

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Conscious Relationship Design: Is This Really Impossible?

Impossible Relationships

When I met David some months ago (with a month being a lifetime) and we decided to step into a relationship, some of my dear friends mirrored to me that he seemed amazing, but that the relationship between us could never work. Him being a nomad wanting the experience of fatherhood, living in a community south of the equator and traveling a large chunk of the year, and even if he wouldn’t, he would still be far away. I being a mum with three kids in a weekly co-parenting schedule with a job that is a mission directly from my heart, and that requires my presence when I’m not with my kids. And I felt it too. Each time my…

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The Orgasm of Inspiration

Inspiration is like a long, gentle orgasm, moving through me as I create._

Can I be lusciously written? Can I consciously allow myself to tap into a divine source of inspiration, of wisdom flowing through me just by opening the faucet? Can I be that vessel, that portal, upon my own request? Or is this spring of information ever present? The internal wisdom of collective memory that we can all tune into? Or maybe we are tuned in, but forgot or switched ourselves of through our busy busy lives? There’s this magic feeling that comes over me every now and then. It tingles my skin, as the touch of a lover can do. The slightest suggestion of a caress, that makes my blood rush. It’s an urge to create. As the water reservoir…

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Slowing Down

Slowing down

I always tell it to my students and clients: to slow down. Because slowing down means giving time and space to underlying feelings and processes. Emotions and sensations that we usually skip because we’re in our heads, in a hurry, or just somewhere at the desired or undesired end goal. We’re in the future or past, but not present with our precious self – right now. And then when we slow down, we start to feel stuff. Uncomfortable probably. Are we here, yet again? It’s such a temptation to go faster again. To move through this discomfort with a swift pace. We might reach comfy grounds again, but did we shift anything? Learned anything? Let go of anything? Then I…

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