Slowing Down

I always tell it to my students and clients: to slow down.

Because slowing down means giving time and space to underlying feelings and processes. Emotions and sensations that we usually skip because we’re in our heads, in a hurry, or just somewhere at the desired or undesired end goal. We’re in the future or past, but not present with our precious self – right now.

And then when we slow down, we start to feel stuff. Uncomfortable probably. Are we here, yet again?

It’s such a temptation to go faster again. To move through this discomfort with a swift pace. We might reach comfy grounds again, but did we shift anything? Learned anything? Let go of anything?

Then I say: go even slower.

Dissect each step of this process of feeling. Just sit with it. Be with it. There’s no direct danger here. No tiger’s gonna eat you now.

Each little feeling in your body.

Each word in your thoughts.

Taste it. Sense it.

And then breathe.

Again.

Relax your belly. Yes, you’ll feel even more now.

Let it.

You’re safe.

I’m here with you.

What is this moment telling you?

What or who desires your loving attention?

Can you open your heart and embrace this part of you?

Accept and allow it fully?

It’s okay.

You are loved.

It’s all good.

Life can be intense in waves. I guess we all have it, though our amplitudes differ. Mine are quite extreme. From high on energy and bliss to feeling dark and down in 1.3 seconds. And back the next minute. As I’m getting to know my monthly cycle better I start to see patterns. I know how feeling drained (when it feels too many people want too much from me, or when I get cuddled too little myself). I notice how food influences my emotional states (too little protein = feeling emotionally shaky) – and still, my mood is unpredictable.

It’s November 2017 right now. December is always a crazy month for me. Not just for Sinterklaas and Christmas, but also two birthdays in one week. This year, I decided to have to Big Weekends of Workshops on either side of the madness. Not my preferred choice of time, but as we aligned so beautifully and as I want to bring these AWESOME teachers to The Netherlands so badly, and mainly because my intuition is giving this such a huge YES, there was no doubt. So this December is extra-crazy. And besides that, there is this brand new relationship that so beautifully casts light on my darkest and most hidden fears and insecurities (feeling them rage through me as I type). Kids still have lice in their hair after weeks of combing (3x 15 minutes combing each damn day). Major issues with the sewer system in our street (200+ emails sent back and forth, emptied half of the garden and probably need to take out all of the gorgeously designed pavement out). Mice decided to come and live with us again. On top of that did a massive cleaning with my three girls today (6 bags or waste is thrown out, 3 with clothes and stuff for charity). Working on putting this house for sale + musing about where & how to live after that. Having a big fat desire to travel for a month in March and making that work. Untangling the relationship with the father of my girls. A friend died last night. I freakin’ miss my horse.

I never asked for an easy life. I asked for a life well-lived, full of depth and exploration.

The Universe is generous.

I’m doing this thing called life with a damn lot of grace, I believe. Still smiling, more than I used to in weeks less intense than these.

I always think I can do better. Do more. Give more. Stop complaining. Stop the drama. Do better.

But it’s going too fast. When I slow down and feel the love for myself again, relax my belly and remember to breathe (and when I get reminders from people around me), I see a different version of me. A different filter.

And then I think I’m doing pretty good, living my life. Giving a lot. Creating a lot. Being a lot.

But if you have any spare hugs or love to share, don’t hesitate sending me some!

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