When I met David some months ago (with a month being a lifetime) and we decided to step into a relationship, some of my dear friends mirrored to me that he seemed amazing, but that the relationship between us could never work. Him being a nomad wanting the experience of fatherhood, living in a community south of the equator and traveling a large chunk of the year, and even if he wouldn’t, he would still be far away. I being a mum with three kids in a weekly co-parenting schedule with a job that is a mission directly from my heart, and that requires my presence when I’m not with my kids.
And I felt it too. Each time my head wanted to wrap itself around it, I felt dizzy. I still do. This is practically impossible. And all this while having an open relationship, isn’t that just waiting for the expiry date to come?
But there’s something deeper than the mind wanting to create some kind of control over the situation. I understand my own desire here, as relating and intimacy are by definition touching upon our deepest wounds and fears. Having an open relationship with both our desires and circumstances lined out, what was I doing here? I’m running off a cliff although nobody tells me to do so. I’m voluntarily placing my heart at risk.
This Deeper Something
This is that deeper something. Beyond my own fears and wounding, there is a deeper knowing. Call it intuition, the connection to the higher self, or simply trust. My heart, belly, womb, and pussy are so clear: this is where I want to be. The more I can trust this inner knowing, the more the practicalities will unfold themselves in ways we might not have imagined.
It’s not so much a huffy fluffy spiritual practice relying on The Universe to take care of everything. It’s about letting go of the conditioning of the mind who takes the trotted paths.
When we feel enough courage to let go of the paradigms as we know them, suddenly much more can become possible. But it might be unconventional or even controversial. It might require letting go of things or people who hold us back. It might be a leap of faith. It’s probably scary as f**k.
How deep can you Trust?
Over the last months David and I managed to see each other regularly, despite of our busy schedules. We met in four different countries, and several times we got more time together than we thought we had. In Denmark, where both of us were facilitating workshops with a week in between, we created a bit of overlap so we could spend some time in Copenhagen. The French airport staff went on strike exactly the day he was flying in, and made him change his ticket to a day earlier. Suddenly we had an extra day. A similar thing happened when we were in Paris for a week. The gig he had for five days was not happening, and we had the whole week to ourselves instead of having only nights together. And instead of traveling elsewhere as was the original plan, David stayed with me in The Netherlands for 20 days – more time than we had all the times we met before together.
We deeply invested in the foundation of our relationship. After creating our relationship agreements, creating a safe container and a fair bit of calibrating, there was now more time to talk, go for long walks, get triggered, deal with triggers, spend a LOT of time in bed (sex is such a great tool for exploring deeper) and we even watched a movie 🙂
Many things shifted in my body, with the major one being that I trust he’s not in my life with an intention to hurt and abandon me. (Check deep inside yourself, just for fun: do you recognize this belief?) I feel calm and knowing I am loved deeply. Something I’m grateful for, as he’s on a plane to the jungle right now where he will be for the next 2.5 month.
What if we can have it all?
Trusting people deeply is one of my biggest challenges in life. And this is exactly what this relationship is bringing me: can I fully trust the other, even when they sometimes f**k up and hurt me? Can I unconditionally love someone, even when my mind and friends tell me it’s impossible? Can I fully trust my own inner knowing and intuition? Can I allow myself to feel emotional, triggered and contracted and not blame and shame the other from a place of fear and protecting my heart, and trust they mean well?
Can I trust that when people want to be together, everything else will work out somehow, even if it might be in ways we didn’t see coming?
What if we can really have all we want?
Do you want to become more free in the realms of intimacy, self-love, trust, relating, and sexuality? I offer online (Skype, Zoom) or offline (hands-on) coaching sessions.
Want to dive deep in your own pace? Sign up NOW for my new online program Exploring Deeper: Love, Sex, Tantra that starts in April 2018.