* These writings are based on impressions from different sessions and different people. Facts about people are changed for the sake of privacy. I share these writings to create awareness of loneliness and how many of us struggle with intimacy. You are not alone. *
You came to me because you had been hurt for many years. Your heart was closed and you couldn’t feel. How would you be able to relate to women again? To be vulnerable and be naked, to have sex again?
As a boy you walked through the door, not knowing what to expect. We talked. I shared about my life and how I had been hurt in the past too. You relaxed, knowing you are not alone. You are seen, held.
I asked you to lay down on the soft mattress, sitting beside you, wrapping you in a cocoon of safety. I’m not here to hurt you. I don’t want anything from you.
As I placed my hand on your belly, your body trembled. First from fear. Then from a release of all the tension, you had been storing in your muscles. All the times you held back, all the boundaries that were crossed, all the desires unexpressed, made your body move and shake. It’s alright, I told you. Trust the process. Your body knows.
You felt the fear increasing and I encouraged you to let it become even bigger. Don’t resist it, you have tried that and you know the results. Let’s try a different way.
You did it. It made you cry and shake, growl with anger until it peaked and then, a relaxation.
I asked you if you wanted to be held, and took you in my arms when you said yes. You head against my chest, I felt your body relaxing. I also felt your desire, and how you tried to ignore it, to push it away. And I get it. When you’ve been rejected so many times when your religion has cursed your sexuality since you were so young, how else could you take care of yourself?
I started whispering in your ear. That your desire is welcome here. That you can touch me if you want. You know my boundaries. Carefully you start stroking my leg, your eyes wide. Is this really okay? I assure you it is. That I’m enjoying your touch, and invite you to, in whatever way you touch me, enjoy the feeling of touching me.
A tear drops from your eyes. Your lips trembling. A mixture of disbelief and pleasure on your face. This is amazing you say, your trembling lips creating a starting smile. Your touch getting more confident, squeezing my thighs and shoulders.
When you go home I hold you and tell you that you don’t need me for this. A deep breath. You get it. You tell me you feel changed, and excited about the future, your face changed. The boy turned into a man. With a straight back, you walk out of the door.
Today you tell me you feel confused. Some days you feel amazing, better than ever. Other days you feel down, sad, and heavy. I tell you that’s okay. All the feelings you haven’t felt for so long, are like stored away boxes being unpacked. Have patience and compassion with yourself. This is good work, it’s bringing you somewhere.
Don’t forget that on the inside we don’t separate between desired and undesired feelings. I’m helping you to learn to connect with your body again. To feel again. To open up again. And that process may start with a big spring cleaning of old, dusty feelings that want to be felt.
Do you want to become more free in the realms of intimacy, self-love, trust, relating, and sexuality? I offer online (Skype, Zoom) or offline (hands-on) coaching sessions.
Want to dive deep at your own pace? Sign up NOW for my new online program Exploring Deeper: Love, Sex, Tantra that starts in April 2018.