Don’t Live In a Box

Those days where I feel unhappy, stuck and trapped, I notice I’ve been putting myself in a box again. It’s a thing. A paradoxical thing. Humans like to put their world into boxes. Other humans, their calendar, their work, their relationship, their sexuality, other connections to other humans… I noticed that when I boxed myself heterosexual I felt weird about feeling attracted to women. Feeling stuck in a worldview where it didn’t make sense to like other than men. But when I discovered that queers make my knees shake, bisexuality felt like a limiting option too. I had exchanged one box for another, and again I felt stuck, trapped and didn’t understand myself. So I stepped out of the sexuality…

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I’m a Wild Mum

Wild Mum

I’m not the mum who’s waiting at school every day With tea and biscuits ready And patiently plays with dolls.   I’m not the mum who stopped her career Stopped her own ambitions And started putting everyone else first.   I’m not the mum who talks with other mums About the weather or elections in the village (It makes me feel lost).   I’m not the mum who vacuums every day Plans dinners a week ahead And washes windows every Thursday.   I’m not a mum who stayed with their father ‘Because of the kids’. We all deserve more than that.   I’m a Wild Mum.   I’m a mum who still feels an inner drive Of learning and growing…

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What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

What I learned in the year after breaking up my long-term relationship

Once we thought we would stay together for life. And in a way, we will, since we have three daughters. But not in a romantic relationship. About twelve months ago we broke up. It felt like facing my deepest fears. It felt like dying. And maybe I did in a way, as the last year transformed me completely. No more happily ever after We were so convinced we were going to make it through life together. Even though I got pregnant only months after we met, we hardly had any money, and I didn’t finish studying. I never had a long-term relationship before. I never was pregnant before. It all felt so new. He was my rock to depend on.…

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Ending a long-term relationship – 30 days later

Ending a long term relationship – 30 days later

Today it is exactly one month ago that my partner and I decided to break up. We were in a temporary break for two months, after a relationship of almost nine years, including three kids. As the relationship wasn’t serving either of us anymore, we decided to break up. A delicate process of unraveling a lot of patterns, dependencies, projections and assumptions. And not just between my now ex-partner and I, but also between the outer world and I. Patterns in reactions I guess a similar thing happens in all major events in a human life. When a baby is born, when someone has a cold or when a relative dies, we always ask the same questions, or come up…

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My contradictory life as an outgoing introvert (with an open relationship)

Outgoing introvert

I am that kind of person that needs a lot of time on her own. Endless walks in the forests, staring at clouds while dreaming of romantic love stories and simply sitting in a corner of a room, wrapped in a blanket with a pile of books and a jar of tea within reach are amongst my favourite pastimes. At the same time, I love the company of people. Nothing beats dancing for hours with an ecstatic group of barefoot dancers surrounding me, or long and deep conversations with friends followed by long hugs. Am I an introvert or not? Because of my desires for both being alone and being surrounded by people, for many years I have been wondering…

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Freedom lies in the NOW

Sometimes it confuses me when the gap between the projections I have of the expectations society must have of me and the life I live seem so big. Take today, a regular Wednesday. Two of my three kids go to school half the day. Today, both classes would visit a nursery to see how shrubs grow and how they are multiplied. To get the children to the nursery, parents were asked to drive the kids. It’s the first time my middle daughter goes somewhere with her class, and I decide I like to be there for her. She is happy I’m there to hold her hand and give her space to find her confidence in her own time. By the…

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Eliminating the fear of not being a good parent

It is probably the most intense responsibility we will ever get: raising children. Taking care that these helpless, little babies grow up to become conscious, aware, responsible, smart, healthy adults. It can feel really scary. Without any preparation you suddenly are a ‘mother’ or a ‘father’. You can read all the books on parenting you can get hold on, watch documentaries and talk with experienced parents or with your own parents. But nothing will really prepare you for that feeling you will feel when you hold your firstborn for the very first time. I have three daughters. Each time after giving birth there was that emotional moment where I felt overflowed with love. But not only love. I also felt…

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On Loving and Feeling Loved

On loving and feeling loved

My love isn’t something to take from you. It’s nothing I want from you. I don’t need your love to confirm my existence. I’d rather say: “I feel love between us”, for I can only feel love resonating when we both unveil it. When we allow ourselves to not keep our love away from each other, but to ler it flow. Where my love meets your love the love multiplies into a glowing ball of energy enlightening you and I and all that surrounds us. More than “I feel love between us”, I prefer not to speak, and just observe the vibrating love with all my senses. Words are only needed when I’m not sure. Love isn’t something to be…

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Dealing with increased sensitivity

The path of personal growth is amazing. I’ve learned everything is in me. My fears, my insecurities, my so-perceived problems and the responsibility to choose. Do I hide them? Stuff them in a box and put them away somewhere in my system to sit there and bother me for the rest of my days? Or do I face them? Let them kick in full force, feel the emotions, listen to the message… and let go? Over and over I choose the second option (after I chose the first option with some issues for almost 30 years now). It feels like I’m an onion. I peel off layer after layer and get closer to my core being. To my soul. To…

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Feel like crying

Some days things just don’t work out. Emotions swirl around. They don’t have a clear reason or source. They’re just there. Life seems tough. It makes me feel like crying. What’s wrong? Nothing. Everything. I don’t know! I’m so happy with the life I live. I’m so grateful for the abundance it brings me. Still tears run down my face. I want to be free of worries. Feel relaxed in everything I do. See everything and everybody as a source of blissful joy. See each day as an infinite source of possibilities. Enjoy every split second of it, smiling broadly. That’s not how I feel today. Today I feel there’s not enough. There’s not enough time for me to be…

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