Lately I realized that there are at least three ways in which I answer or react to the same question. Very often I’m not aware that I’m so ambiguous. It´s like there are multiple versions of me that answer in their own way.
It happens often when my partner and I discuss stuff that includes emotions, like new steps into our open relationship. He might ask me if it´s okay with me for him to go out with a girl. I tell him I´m perfectly fine, I don´t like it and that it´s up to him to decide what he wants to do, all in a couple of minutes within the same conversation. Next thing is that he tries to choose the option he believes I prefer, which is often a different option. And there we go, miscommunications all over the place again.
So let me clear some of the fog of the female approach 😉
Women are taught to take care of others. Not only of their kids and –at least in past decades- of their husbands, but also for any other person coming by. We are the ones cooking, cleaning and nursing. Several waves of feminism and emancipation changed that socially, but still young girls are taught to care. Is it in our genes? Is it our parents? The role models are clear: women put themselves aside to take care of others.
With that, we never learn to form an opinion that is really our own. We follow a strong person close to us like our partner or relatives, or maybe a religion or guru.
Many women are pretty insecure. I’m not worth it. I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty. I’m not smart. How often do we say these things to ourselves?
So what happens when someone asks us something?
We don’t even know what to answer. We’re quite insecure about our own opinion and we learned to put others first. We don’t answer from the heart. What do we do? Two options:
The answer we give when we put our self aside
We feel too insecure to give the answer we actually want to give. We do know what we want, but we’re stuck in negative emotions. Negative emotions bring us down and make us unhappy, but on the other hand: we do know them. We know what will happen when we feel bad. We make ourselves feel even worse. We cry, hide and tell ourselves we’re not worth being put first. We believe we can’t be egocentric, we’re not that important.
We are looking for confirmations for this negative self-image.
What do we do? We set traps.
We give the answer that will confirm our feelings of unworthiness, feeling ugly, stupid, not enough etc. If you act on this answer, we’ll attack you. “See? You don’t love me anymore because you went drinking with the boys instead of watching a movie with me!” Sounds familiar?
The answer we believe we should give
Rather than having our own opinion, women tend to give an answer that is formed by conditioning. What would society say? This answer is similar to the one we could give when we put ourselves aside, though for this one we don’t have an answer that we would give if we dared to do so, but let others decide for us.
We do have feelings about an issue, but we ignore these, both positive and negative, feelings. We believe there is a certain way in which we should react. Personally, I find that I have to be strong. That I have to be capable to deal with everything that comes up in my life. I can do this!
But sometimes I can’t Sometimes I pretend to be strong when I feel sad. Sometimes I need a bit of space or time to deal with the issues in my life.
We hide our emotions, wishes and fears, until there’s something that causes an overload of stuck feelings. This is where a small argument can turn a woman into a devil. Or make her cry endlessly, leaving you wondering what happened. What did you do to initiate this immense emotional outburst? Well, she’s been ignoring her feelings and thoughts for too long.
The answer from the heart
Good news: there’s also a third option. The real answer from the heart.
When we can deal with the fear and the projections we carry with us, we can access our core. We feel what is there. We can access the message that our emotions bring us. We know what we want and we know why we want it. We still care for others, but we came to realize that we need to take care of ourselves first, in order to be able to take care of others.
What to do girls?
The answer in always within you. If you find yourself to be answering from anything but your heart, be aware that you need to deal with insecurities, fears and projections. It’s often a process from being unconsciously incapable towards being unconsciously capable and there will be emotions on the way. But I find the process rewarding. On the other side of your fears, you will be able to communicate from the heart for your own well-being. Life will be more relaxed and easy-going. You can focus your energy on positive things instead of negative emotions that keep you stuck.
If we want our guys to truly understand us, let´s try to be clear and honest in our answers. Think about what you really want from your heart, have the guts to express your opinion, and stick to it.
What to do guys?
How do you deal with this phenomena of ambiguous answering? Forgive her for it. She doesn’t do this to hurt or bully you. She does it because she loves you and she’s stuck with her fear. She’s not able to let them go yet. Here’s a chance for you to help her. Be her hero.
If you believe you didn’t get an answer from the heart, keep asking your girl until she’s honest with you. Keep communication open. Don’t close the door by getting emotional (angry) or judging her. Ambiguous communication is not our preferred way of answering. Probably there are a lot of growth opportunities hidden. Challenge your girl to dive into the dark waters of exploration of her mind. It might be confronting and scary, but she will come out stronger and more beautiful than ever – and teach you a thing or two about yourself on her way!